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..curiousity often leads to trouble..
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[21 Aug 2005|09:45pm] |
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I don't even know how long she's been gone. It's like I've woken up in bed and she's not here... because she's gone to the bathroom or something. But somehow, I know she's never gonna come back to bed. If I could just... reach over and touch... her side of the bed, I would know that it was cold, but I can't. I know I can't have her back... but I don't want to wake up in the morning, thinking she's still here. I lie here not knowing... how long I've been alone. So how... how can I heal? How am I supposed to heal if I can't... feel time?
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| farewell & goodnight::::::::::::::::: (the show must go on) |
[21 Aug 2005|07:24pm] |
And I shall leave you all with this: The God of Wine by 3rd Eye Blind
Every thought that I repent
There's another chip you haven't spent
And you're cashing them all in
Where do we begin To get clean again
Can we get clean again
I walk home alone with you And the mood you're born into
Sometimes you let me in And I take it on the chin
I can't get clean again I want to know Can we get clean again
The God of Wine comes crashing through the headlights of a car
that, took you farther than you thought you'd ever want to go
We can't get back again, We can't get back again
She takes a drink and then she waits,
The alcohol it permeates,
And soon the cells give way, And cancels out the day
I can't keep it all together
I know I know I know ...I can't keep it all together
And the siren's song that is your madness
Holds a truth I can't erase
All alone on your face
Every glamorous sunrise Throws the planets out of line
A star sign out of whack, A fraudulent zodiac.
And the God of Wine is crouched down in my room
You let me down, I said it
Now I'm going down, you're not even around.
And I said no no no no no no no no no...
I can't keep it all together
I know I know I know...I can't keep it all together
And there's a memory of a window, Looking through I see you
Searching for something, I could never give you
There's someone who understands you more than I do
A sadness I can't erase
All alone on your face
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| i'm rich, beotch! |
[13 Aug 2005|08:17pm] |
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mood |
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 some1 found my lost earring |
] |
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music |
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distant strains of jurassic park 3 coming from downstairs |
] |
I've been working a lot but I've been getting out early a lot.
random quote of the day:
"Most cats can be given meat on the bone. They'll eat the cartilage bits and leave the splintery bits. But if you've cooked the chicken or the rabbit or those prime ribs, you must remove the bones. Cooking makes bones brittle and dangerous. Skin, fur, or feathers won't bother your cat. He'll eat or leave them, depending on his mood."
- 'C is for Cat' by F. Manolson
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| mascara & fashion mags//colorful soul-searching& music//stellar |
[08 Aug 2005|11:57pm] |
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mood |
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 happy sleepy creative |
] |
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music |
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incubus- when it comes |
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`But I don't want to go among mad people,' Alice remarked.`Oh, you can't help that,' said the Cat: `we're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad.'`How do you know I'm mad?' said Alice.`You must be,' said the Cat, `or you wouldn't have come here .'
I am also very happy to be curiouskittin here and kittin here . I just get 'curiouser and couriouser!'
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| ♥ ♥ ♥ |
[06 Aug 2005|09:04pm] |
I feel kind of bad about what I wrote last night. I was just really pissed off and upset. One of the girls who I think may have been in the group that bitched about me to the manager was there and i think maybe she felt bad about it, cuz she kept looking at me and was very nice, and talkative. One of the other ones wasn't working tonight which was a relief. I just need to realize that they are on their own different paths, with their own problems and frustrations.
John might make t-shirts to promote his website, http://www.weilii.com
and I can be a model for them with him!!
We are still getting the kitten Toby as far as I know, on monday.
♥ sweet dreams ♥
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| .........not everyone here is that fucked up and cold......... |
[05 Aug 2005|09:36pm] |
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mood |
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 anorexic hoodrat bitches rarrr |
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I just don't understand it. But oh well, because this town stinks (literally) and I have ALWAYS felt like an outsider here. I gave it an honest try- I really did! But I guess Lancaster just isn't for me. Then again... do I really want to be run out by some hoodrat waitress bitches? No- but they wouldn't be the only reason for my departure- just the cherry on top.
Despite all our faults, I genuinely care about and even LIKE people... but I got sick of being everything to everyone back in high school and I'm not going to change who I am for people who have no desire to get to know me before they judge. "Rude"? "Opinionated"? "Come on strong"? "Stuck up"? Whos asses are these people pulling these comments out of? I am the exact opposite of those qualities at work. I am friendly, helpful, not too loud, not too quiet, I get my job done and I do it well and if I have any questions, I ask. I have never once said or done anything to offend anyone.
I guess I'm just not ____________ (fillintheblank) enough for the cool kids.
Never was, never will be... and (slowly) becoming proud of it! ♥
I will just listen to "the warmth" by Incubus. That always cheers me right up.
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| Note to self: next time you are living on your own, don't FUCK IT UP. |
[05 Aug 2005|07:51am] |
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mood |
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 stuck in a green cloud of muck |
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My mom comes barging into my room at the un-godly hour of 7:45 am asking where some face wash product is for my brother and even though I've only acquired 3 1/2 hours of sleep due to anxiety and assumed klonopin tolerance I get up and search for it tearing through my room when it turns out to have been in "his" bathroom sink drawer the whole time. Sort of reminds me of like... a tweaker sorority house. and yet not.
They think they can keep me here by getting us this kitten... yes it IS cute it is black with white paws and random fluffs of white and it shall be named Toby and when I held its tiny form against me and listened to it purr I WAS smitten for the kitten, and they are picking him up tonight, I think.
Today my goal is to write two letters: one to my grandma and one is a *surprise* and mail them out tomorrow. ♥
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| DANCEMAGICDANCE |
[02 Aug 2005|01:29pm] |
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mood |
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 contemplative |
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Last night I went to the mall with Lindsay who used to be my best friend a long time ago and who is now married and her new initials are LSD. I bought a shirt from gadzooks that is brown and has little pink glitter hearts on it and declares "everyone loves girls who love boys who love boys who love girls who love girls." also some pretty bracelets and a bling ring. i watched Labyrinth again. LOVE IT
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| IM NOT JUMPIN ON NO TOP40 BANDWAGON (even if they were giving away free martinis) |
[30 Jul 2005|05:03pm] |
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mood |
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sick |
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Where I come from isn't all that great
My automobile is a piece of crap
My fashion sense is a little whack
And my friends are just as screwy as me
I didn't go to boarding schools
Preppy girls never looked at me
Why should they I ain't nobody
Got nothing in my pocket
Beverly Hills - That's where I want to be!
Living in Beverly Hills...
Beverly Hills - Rolling like a celebrity!
Living in Beverly Hills...
Look at all those movie stars
They're all so beautiful and clean
When the housemaids scrub the floors
They get the spaces in between
I wanna live a life like that
I wanna be just like a king
Take my picture by the pool
Cause I'm the next big thing!
The truth is...I don't stand a chance
Its something that you're born into...
And I just don't belong...
No I don't - I'm just a no class, beat down fool
And I will always be that way
I might as well enjoy my life
And watch the stars play
<3 By the way Klonopins suck. Well maybe I shouldn't be so harsh but I've taken them for 2 nites and for 2 days I've been sick as a puppy. I'm either psycho, pregnant or dieing I guess. Or maybe all three. Oh and my favorite Weezer song is El Scorcho: the other song has just been in my head for the past 5 days and I can't get it out so I figured maybe if I posted it in my live journal that no one reads it will dissipate.
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| YAY FOR BENZOS |
[28 Jul 2005|07:12pm] |
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mood |
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 amused |
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I couldn't sleep last night so I entertained myself by listening to a popular local "top 40/pop" radio station from about 10pm-8:30am. I think I heard the new backstreet boys song approximately 9,463 times. However I did hear a simple plan song ("Untitled") that I really liked so I went online and watched the music video and it was emo and sad and there was a lot of angst during rainfall and it made me feel shitty about driving intoxicated a lot in my past which i won't ever do again.
So I went to the doctor because I'm sick of being anxious for no reason and I really don't feel like spending anymore sleepless nights listening to "Incomplete" and "Hollaback Girl." So now I'm on klonopin which I'm pretty happy about because. Well just because.
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[25 Jul 2005|12:17pm] |
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mood |
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 blah |
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Due to my lack of being able to stay sober for any real ammount of time, my life is fucked up again and I am angry- mostly at myself. I am also angry at Jen because I don't think she should have told my parents about my dxm use the other day. They were already mad at having her bring me home smashed and her telling them only made them more upset- it just made the situation worse and she didnt gain anything by telling them. Its something she should have just discussed with me instead of involving my parents.
Sigh. Went to my cousin Andy's son Lucas' 1st birthday party yesterday and concluded, life is crazy. Time is crazy.
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[22 Jul 2005|04:26pm] |
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mood |
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 anxious |
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So I suck and I didn't come home last night because I decided to be stupid and do drugs and play with a little snake and watch a tv show about wood burning where you use a little tool to burn words/designs etc into wood. So now I'm in lots of truoble with the parents which sucks. I have to work tonight and all weekend but thats good because it'll keep me out of the house and keep my mind off of how much a fuck-up I am. Something big needs to happen, I can't keep living like this.
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| canada |
[18 Jul 2005|01:23am] |
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mood |
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 giggly |
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so now we might b going to canada. hmmmmm lol whatta life
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| I GOTTA GOLDEN TICKET! |
[17 Jul 2005|05:56pm] |
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mood |
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okay |
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So I finished my third day training at AT. I start on my own (making tips) on friday. Its not really all that bad most of its firmiliar or at least coming back to me.
I visited my gandma and grandpa today. They're old and German and so cute.
I'm hopefully hanging out with Jen and my gay friend Chris tonight. Chris is moving to atlanta in 10 days to live with 2 other guys and I was thinking of saying "fuck lancaster" and coming down with him so i could be with john but I don't know now. Its probably not a smart idea but i'm totally up for it.
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curiouskittin's journal
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melancholy